I just wanted to say that sometimes, I’ve found lately, the only way through whatever crap you have in your day is to go ahead and throw the tantrum. I have had a few tantrums lately and you know, they feel good!!

I get sick of being a “good yogi” and having this ongoing, pensive, quiet, well-behaved aura glowing about me. Or at least I grow tired of the thought that perhaps I *should* have it.

I’ve been up and down, up and down, up and down as I prepare for this trip, Training, and the (what I am preparing to face) Hell that waits for me in Mexico. But one of my mentors, and a teacher I deeply respect often says to the Trainees that the only way through our crap, the only way through our pain, the only way through the veritable bullshit in our lives is just THROUGH IT. You go over it, under it, or around it and it’s still there. You want to cry? Cry. You want to scream? Scream. get it over with, then get up and get back to it.

There’s a story (nearly a legend now) of a guy in one of the last Teacher Training sessions. He is about 45, ex Coast Guard tough-guy. He’d had it one day in Bikram’s class. Right in the middle of class simply turned around, walked out, grabbed a towel and held it to his face. He then proceeded to scream into the towel for about five minutes in the foyer just outside of the hot room. Everyone could obviously hear him. When he was done, he walked back to his mat and finished his class. The point is, he dealt with it.

I may be now preaching to myself, bear with me.

I’m a little scared lately to admit just HOW intimidated I really feel. What if people see me as weak? What if I’m not flexible enough?? What if Bikram picks on me in Posture Clinic? What if I lose it and weep through the first week of classes?? What if I go dead silent on stage and forget all the words to my Dialogue (a prevalent dream I’ve had)?? What if?? Well, what if?? I just go through it. Deal with it.

I’m not sure if any of this speaks to you or not. It does to me, so I though I’d share it. I hope you’re well. I take your wisdom with me as I go. Love deeply and take care.

Namaste.

God I swear I want to scream today. I actually ended up STRESSED out after class today instead of happy, peaceful, zen-like. I was PISSED and irritated and indignant about students leaving class, skipping Asanas, drinking water in between sets. I pounded my own fists this afternoon with the attitude that I had it figured out and *they* really needed to get their acts together. Well, I reached a fall this evening when MY faltering divine self had had ENOUGH of it. Enough of the sweating, enough of the classes, ENOUGH OF THE DIALOG. Enough, enough, enough. I want to sleep later than 5 am, I want to drink wine late at night and not worry about my hydration. I want, I want I WANT!! Waaahh… right?? Poor Ren.

So here’s the thing. Even the seriously whiny, exhausted, and (for lack of a better word) bitchy ME is still, well, me. I am not, in fact, two souls. I am one. And the bitchy Ren is just as “divine” as the meek, quiet Yogini Ren. (OK so I’m never that quiet, but you get the idea…)

I think you should absolutely celebrate the Sean that whines and complains. But remember, that Sean is the same as the *other* Sean. You are one person. You can pound, and whine, and pout, and scream. Screaming is good too. But there’s a middle ground. We are both looking for that middle ground. I’ll let you know when and if I find it. In the meantime, remember how awesome it feels when the fit is *over* and you can laugh at yourself and return to that peaceful Yoga-body Sean.

Namaste.

My high school Current Events class is ALWAYS a work in progress. A looser structure means the ability to assess and revise, add new topics and move away from units that don’t engage the students.

Sometimes it’s scary, but determination, adrenalin, and unabashed self-confidence, however misplaced, usually carries me through.

Let them see a part of who you are, share those luminous images you paint here, and you’ll not just survive, but enjoy the experience.

Trust yourself.